Kneeling down on the shower floor
This isn't the first
I've been here before.
Not many of my own tears left to shed
The shower faucet rains down on me instead.
Overwhelmed. A heavy weight.
Take deep breaths. You can't stay in this state.
At least that's the voice that is loudest
But God, I know your words would be different.
I can find it so hard to hear you,
It's not consistent.
So much I've forgiven and been forgiven for,
I try to remind myself, I don't need a pity party,
Those are for victims, I'm not one. Not anymore.
Follow the 'unforced rhythms of grace',
And don't forget to 'seek his face'.
I know the stuff that's supposed to secure me,
So why, oh why, does it feel like you're not working?
I really changed my life for you God,
What else do you want from me?
I don't like questioning that.
It's rooted in resentment.
I'm sad I don't have children.
No spouse. No home of my own to live in.
While I know it's untrue,
I feel like the block has been following you.
I realize, Lord, this sounds like struggle & strife,
But most days, I do love my life.
A lot of the 'big stuff' has been dealt with
What's left now is like lint on a sweater.
Sure it's still wearable,
But it could be better.
Lord, set my mind free from the rabbit trail of despairing thoughts.
Instead, in your grace, love & peace is where I want to be caught.
Up, up and away.
My spirit in a divine dance
With yours - Spirit, Son & Father.
Written: March 10, 2019