Me. My Mom. And my Pride.

I hear what I’m saying.  I sound a bit like a crazy person. “You obviously don’t trust me to do a good enough job on my own.” “Why can’t you let me do it the way I want to?” (My irrational comments are over what plates and napkins to use for an afternoon tea.)

But once the words start tumbling out of my mouth, and the emotional response starts burning in the base of my ribs it’s like I can’t stop myself.  But, a good, Christian woman wouldn’t act that way. A good missionary wouldn’t act that way.

Clearly, that’s not the case.

My Mom often describes this tug-of-war as “the exquisite tension between adult daughters and their mothers.” In this moment, I don’t feel like there is anything exquisite about it. It’s just tension, plain and simple.

My internal voice is screaming, “But why can’t she see it my way!?”

Instead of digging deeper into this going-nowhere argument, we go our separate ways in the house. I’m in my childhood bedroom – which in my past was never a place of prayer. But it’s here, in the reminders of growing up, that I realize why I respond this way to my Mom.

Pride.

Yuck. I hate when the truth huts. But it is true. I’m prideful. I want it my way.

As I replay the conversation (okay, argument) with my Mom in my head, I hear what’s been recounted to me as stubborn, three-year-old Lisa, “I can do it all by myself!” I guess some bad habits do die hard.

Pride chips away at us little by little.  Untamed, this prowler will pounce on its nearest prey – the person who attempts to take away our sense of autonomy.

And then there is nowhere to turn but to seek forgiveness...from my Mom...from God...and even from myself. I know that prideful, controlling way of thinking, speaking and acting isn't who God made me. With His help I can react with His heart, instead of letting the selfish part of me take over.

Lord, forgive me for being prideful, for wanting to control things and for not being able to keep my thoughts to myself when I know they’ll end up being hurtful. Thank you for your grace. Teach me how to be gracious to others.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom
    Proverbs 11:2

While I don't like recognizing that pride and judgment still have a place in my way of thinking, I know that God is bigger. And I know I'm not the only one who deals with this. So, how do you stop pride or a controlling attitude chip away at your relationships?

Leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you.