I began writing a to-do list, and filling in one thing a day on a full-page calendar.
Then it starts.
That knot in the pit of stomach that switches to somersaults.
Heart rate gets faster.
I notice myself taking deep breathes and sighing out to relieve what I'm feeling.
There you are again. Anxiety.
My unwelcome, yet familiar companion.
I'm a few days in to a break from work to deal with some of my inner health stuff, yet shaking off habits of productivity to prove I have my s#*t together isn't coming easily. Who makes a to-do list for a leave of absence!?! Apparently, this lady!
That's one of the reasons for not going to work for a month, to pause and let there be space for bigger, deeper, internal healing. I know I need it. Some people are responding as though I've hit a crisis point. I'm hoping to avoid one. It wasn't so hard to admit (a few months ago) that a pattern of anxiety and depression have followed me much of my 20s and 30s. The challenge has been to let people in on something I feel is a secret: I can't do it all.
What's so peculiar is I would draw that out from other people whom I counsel: don't try to do it all. Nobody can.
Deep in the recesses of my mind and emotions I seem to think I can.
So instead of a to-do list or plotting out a calendar of my time, I will simply respond to things as they come.
Visit a friend. Check in on my grandma. Go to the doctors. See a movie. Sit down with a spiritual director.
There's plenty of time for it.
And I don't need to do it all. At least not all at once.